||[Jul. 27th, 2005|12:21 pm]
I have discovered a new hatred that I have for myself. I have also realized that I am the maker of my own destruction. I deceive everyone and everything. I am the lie within the lie. There is shattered glass under my feet and I still do not bleed. What will it take to destroy my demon seed? I lie in a pool of doubt and bathe in it's glory of contempt, but I am not the devil. I am mortal and there so I have feelings. Hate and anger are the stronger feelings that arise to the surface of my being. Damn the hell that I breathe, and the soap that won't clean my filth. What is left, but for me to pull my own trigger. To watch my life slip out of me, and to decend to hell for my eternal payment of debts. The blood that runs through my veins is not red but the darkest black that there is. Anger is knocking at my door, and I try to look away and ignore the gut wrenching madness that is trying to consume me. I never had a chance for escape anger has swallowed me whole. My body convulses with this over powering rage, and there is nothing I can do to stop it from happening. The person that I once was has now vanished forever, and I have now died to the world that once kept me strong. The bell has rung, and the clock has started ticking. My time is almost up.
Tick tock, tick tock can you hear it the sound of death, because it's screaming in my ear. I feel the thunder of raging blood in veins. My heart starts beating with all it's might against my chest, and my breathes are deeper and harder to swallow. There my pores has opened up and let out the down pore of sweat that my body is producing, because at this moment fear has also entered the picture. Fear of what? Things that may have been left undone. Unaccomplished tasks can be haunting.
Now that my mind is racing and my adreneline is pumping have I left any loose strings dangling about? I thought I was being careful and thorough with my race to madness. I guess I have two options. One would be to retrace my steps, and the other would be to face onward with my mission to ends this chaos that my life has become. Out of this darkness comes laughter, and then comes tears of raging anger. Anger is the force that has been feeding me and keeping me strong. it's the gasoline to my fire which is constantly in a uproar.
The time has come I need to choose the method to finalize my last task. I decide to go with hanging because it's less messy, and I feel it will be more haunting to the person that will discover me. With the choice that I made I feel a calmness coming over me, because now I have to prepare myself for my execution.
I run a hot and steamy bubble bath, and as I dunk myself into the soapy water I still feel extremely dirty. I step out and dry myself off and I try to decide what clothes I will wear. Now, as I am standing in front of my closet I have a great idea. I will leave this world as I was brought into it. I don't need any clothes for this day. Quite ironic isn't it. Instead of an umbilical cord of life I will have a rope of death.