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outofthecloset2

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My Random Mind [Jul. 30th, 2005|10:56 pm]
outofthecloset2
[mood |blankblank]

My thoughts as randoms as a lottery ticket.
I can't make sense out of anything logical.
I occupy space that eludes me.
I am of all things just a number.
I float around in a sea of emotions as big as an ocean
I am thundering crash of waves on a windy fall day.
I have No point or reason for anything.
I have no explanation of the void I feel growing inside me.
I wonder if I am turning into concrete from the inside out.
I stand and stare and still I come up empty handed
I am blank as a new formed piece of paper.
I have loss the will to strive for anything better.
I look in the mirror and I still can't see my face.
I am a lost soul that crossed the point of being found.
I come and go and I still can't find my way home.
I don't Know me and neither do you.
I have no taste for anything of life.
I surely will wither up and die soon.
I have no dreams, but I do have nightmares.
I travel a horizon so bland that it evaporates me.
I am becoming ashes and dust in this vast world that swallowed me hole.
I am no more.
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Dread [Jul. 27th, 2005|11:53 pm]
outofthecloset2
[mood |productivedark]

The feeling of dread is upon me and there is pain that has settled around my soul. I feel death is around the corner awaiting and seeking me out. I see shadows and I jump, and I hear foot steps and I speed up. Every car that passes by is after me. With death lingering around my paranoid delusions are on the rise leaving a whirlwind of emotions which change without warning, and leaves darkened inadequency tugging at my inner self. It's always calm before a storm. and there is a storm brewing inside me. I can feel it collecting power and giving me monsterous thoughts.

I have always dreamed of internal peace and I have yet to reach that goal. Instead nothingness is a feeling that swarms over me every day, and is so overwhelming at times it's painfull to even move, because if I move then that means that I am still alive. I fight a war within myself the battlefields are between my mind and soul. In this war the blood shed is from intolerable self disappointment which is constantly nagging at me. I have a hungry demon eating away at my flesh, and the daily hauntings start the moment my eyelids raise and in all realness they never end, because they follow me into my dreams. What is left for me am I doomed forever in this eternal hell? Is there no safety?

I walk the streets alone hiding in my solitude feeling as though I am stumbling through this life with no cause and no where to go. I have done nothing productive with my life or left my mark anywhere. I am at a turning point in my life where it's do or die. There is absolutly nothing to be lost at the ending of my life. This cloak of darkness is wrapped around me like a warm blanket and if it were to be removed I would be internally chilled. I have backed myself in this corner and now I am a trapped animal with no where to run. I can't even camoflague this blackness it has devoured my mind, body, and soul.

Death has now been unleashed to taunt me and it will until the life falls off my bones. I can feel death with it's gravity pulling and fighting with all it's strength trying to drag me under and nothing can stop me from burning in hell. I load the gun, and pick up the blades, and untangle the ropes. Some how some way I will surrender to this pure evilness that has over come my life.
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Hate [Jul. 27th, 2005|12:21 pm]
outofthecloset2
[mood |pissed offdistructive]

I have discovered a new hatred that I have for myself. I have also realized that I am the maker of my own destruction. I deceive everyone and everything. I am the lie within the lie. There is shattered glass under my feet and I still do not bleed. What will it take to destroy my demon seed? I lie in a pool of doubt and bathe in it's glory of contempt, but I am not the devil. I am mortal and there so I have feelings. Hate and anger are the stronger feelings that arise to the surface of my being. Damn the hell that I breathe, and the soap that won't clean my filth. What is left, but for me to pull my own trigger. To watch my life slip out of me, and to decend to hell for my eternal payment of debts. The blood that runs through my veins is not red but the darkest black that there is. Anger is knocking at my door, and I try to look away and ignore the gut wrenching madness that is trying to consume me. I never had a chance for escape anger has swallowed me whole. My body convulses with this over powering rage, and there is nothing I can do to stop it from happening. The person that I once was has now vanished forever, and I have now died to the world that once kept me strong. The bell has rung, and the clock has started ticking. My time is almost up.

Tick tock, tick tock can you hear it the sound of death, because it's screaming in my ear. I feel the thunder of raging blood in veins. My heart starts beating with all it's might against my chest, and my breathes are deeper and harder to swallow. There my pores has opened up and let out the down pore of sweat that my body is producing, because at this moment fear has also entered the picture. Fear of what? Things that may have been left undone. Unaccomplished tasks can be haunting.

Now that my mind is racing and my adreneline is pumping have I left any loose strings dangling about? I thought I was being careful and thorough with my race to madness. I guess I have two options. One would be to retrace my steps, and the other would be to face onward with my mission to ends this chaos that my life has become. Out of this darkness comes laughter, and then comes tears of raging anger. Anger is the force that has been feeding me and keeping me strong. it's the gasoline to my fire which is constantly in a uproar.

The time has come I need to choose the method to finalize my last task. I decide to go with hanging because it's less messy, and I feel it will be more haunting to the person that will discover me. With the choice that I made I feel a calmness coming over me, because now I have to prepare myself for my execution.

I run a hot and steamy bubble bath, and as I dunk myself into the soapy water I still feel extremely dirty. I step out and dry myself off and I try to decide what clothes I will wear. Now, as I am standing in front of my closet I have a great idea. I will leave this world as I was brought into it. I don't need any clothes for this day. Quite ironic isn't it. Instead of an umbilical cord of life I will have a rope of death.
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